|
Dear Joel,
I'm a long time reader, first time writer. I
really love your column and try to apply the helpful
and practical advice you give to my own life.
So when an issue arose in my work life you were
the first person I thought to seek advice from.
I am one of ten Managers in a successful communications
company. Our superiors have told us that we are
the brightest, most successful group of managers
the company has seen in recent times. This leaves
me with a great respect for my peers and great
sense of pride to be part of such a team. I can
truly say I love being part of my group of peers.
Unfortunately it's those you love who can often
hurt you the most. My peers make no attempt to
hide the fact I am part of a few minorities. I'm
younger than most of them yet I am part of the
same group. When my store or I have problems,
I actually have a reason for it. I have a good
working knowledge of the main programs we use
to do our job every day. And lastly I am consistently
on time for calls and meetings.
Dear Joel Staff, what should I do ? Should I
step down from my position and spend a few years
working fast food so not to intimidate them with
my Age-to-Success ratio? Or when things don't
go right should I simply shrug my shoulders and
blindly hope whatever happened that time wont
happen next time ? If Tim Janklin phones with
a request for information on a basic task, should
I claim modern technology is lost on my generation?
Perhaps I could hang out at Starbucks with Jay
Jungren long enough to be on time for being late?
Please help Dear Joel Staff!! I can't deal with
such deep feeling of rejection and segregation
from my peers.
Sincerely,
Why Can't We All Be Friends ?
 Dear
Why Can't We All Be Friends,
Ageism is something that should not be taken
lightly.. however I usually hear from older people
saying they're mistreated because they're old,
I've never heard of a young person complaining
that they're too young. Thats like a white male
complaining about racism and sexism. Anyways,
you feel this is a problem so I will help you.
At first glance, from a complete outsider it
appears that the other managers are jealous of
your success or they're put off by the contsant
bragging of your successes. Either way, you have
to deal with it. My advice is to try and show
these other managers that you're just as old as
they are, learn interesting stats about Expo 86,
I mean, only really old people can remember Expo
86. Learn to start conversations with statements
like "How 'bout that Paul Henderson, that
was quite a goal" or "Did I ever tell
you where I was when man first landed on the moon?"
Age is only a state of mind, so tell a few lies
to get by, if you're worried about having to lie,
remember a lie is only a lie if you believe it
is!
Hopefully this helps,
Joel
Dear Joel,
I recently got a promotion in my company into
a management position. I’m really happy
that I was recognized for my hard work and I’m
really happy to be making a difference in the
workplace. I think I manage over a great staff,
I say that “I think” I do because
ever since I have become manager they seem to
not show up for work. Now don’t get me wrong,
they call me to tell me why they can’t make
it but part of me thinks they’re lying.
So far I’ve heard:
- My ears hurt from a concert I was at last night
- I’m snowed in (it hadn’t snowed
in days)
- Need to drive family members to the airport
- I had ice on my windshield (showed up 2 hours
late)
- Been sick all weekend and can’t come
in
These are just some of the things I’ve heard
in the last 7 days. Do you think they don’t
like me? I’m trying to do a good job but
nobody seems to want to show up even though December
is the busiest month of the year in our industry
and they work on commission.
Any Thoughts?
Signed,
Frustrated with no shows
Dear Frustrated with no shows,
I
once heard that Christopher Columbus would have
discovered America weeks earlier except his crew
kept calling in sick. OK they didn’t exactly
call in, they probably wrote in and the sickness
was more like the plague, but you get the idea.
As long as bosses have been bosses, employees
have tried to get away with not going to work.
I know you would think in the busiest month of
the year the fact they all make commission, that
would be a big enough motivator. Sometimes it’s
just not enough. We as human beings need to test
boundaries, perhaps that’s why I constantly
do things that annoy my wife or perhaps I’m
just a jerk, we’ll never know for sure.
Perhaps you could call them on their bluffs -
if they call in sick, show up at their house with
their clients at 5am. My guess is if you fire
a couple of them, the rest will fall into place…
or perhaps you’re just not a very good manager.
Hopefully this helps,
Joel
Dear Joel,
I'm writing you with a rather interesting problem.
Ever since I was first hired I was scared to death
of one of my co-workers. This rep, lets call her
"Matty" even though that is not even
close to her real name, anyways Matty would come
in every morning, cigarrette in 1 hand and a shot
of vodka in the other. The second she got into
her office she would let the explotives fly, I
would commonly hear things like, "F U TELUS"
and "WHO DIDN'T SPLIT THIS F%$^&% SALE"?"
and she would demand things like "bring me
my F%^&** coffee!!!! " Needless to say
I was scared silly. I'm from a small peaceful
African country at the Southern tip of the Continent
and I'm not used to working with someone like
Matty. I was told the best way to avoid any problems
with her was to avoid making eye contact at all
times, I did my best for a while but eventually
our eyes would lock and I would be staring eye
to eye with the "Big Red Devil" ( That's
what we would refer to her as). I consider myself
a manly man with a great moustache but even I
felt weak and uncomfortable around her and gazing
into her devilish stare. On a recent outing she
had a terrible accident and hasn't been able to
come to work. Our store is peaceful, clean and
quiet... yet I'm not happy.. I ACTUALLY MISS HER!
I miss the morning beatings, the afternoon lashings,
even the 3am threatening phone calls, I miss it
ALL! Am I crazy? Every day I stare at the calendar
and count the hours til she returns............What
is wrong with me?
Signed,
Ben Gernandez
Dear Ben Gernandez,
First
thing's First, You need to go out and buy Kanye
West's new album and listen to the entire thing.
This won't make you feel any better, I just really
like Kanye West. Anyways, Matty seems like a complex
individual that is perhaps lashing out for Love
rather than anger. It seems to me that what she's
really saying is, "Give me a hug Ben Gernandez
" Or she may very well be out of Contreau!
Regardless, you need to confront your emotions.
Why do you miss the fear? the anxiety? It seems
to me that you have been coddled to much as a
baby and your parents didn't affirm you enough,
Yes that's right I made a comment about your childhood,
now don't think I'm going Dr. PHIL on you I just
like to say professional sounding things every
now and then so people take me seriously. When
the "Big Red Devil" comes back to work,
don't be afraid of her, embrace her! Give her
a hug! Buy her some flowers! and maybe even give
her your new Kanye West album! If none of that
works, RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!
Hopefully this helps,
Joel
Dear Joel,
Hypothetically speaking....... if you worked
with someone who insisted on creating incredibly
unfunny top 5 lists, how would you gently suggest
to, lets call him Doug that he may want to make
it either a top 3 (at most) or top zero list (even
better)?
The sad thing is........ compared to his other
accountant buddies he probably seems hilarious.
The poor guy just has no idea and I don't want
his feelings to be hurt.
Signed,
Hypothetically speaking
Dear Hypothetically Speaking,
This
is definitely a delicate situation. This reminds
me of a certain Thanksgiving dinner as a young
boy. My mother always insisted on making the entire
dinner by herself with no help from anyone, well
I assume she didn't want any help, I never offered
any, anyways, the poor woman slaved all day trying
to prepare a feast for the entire family. This
particular day was going like most, after my sister
said grace we went around the room and everyone
read aloud their favourite " Dear Joel"
column from the last year, it was a great time.
As we all started eating our dinner we noticed
that in my mothers rush she mixed the beets with
the pumpkin pie, now I know what you're thinking,
'isn't this an episode of Friends?' and the answer
is yes, they stole that from us, but anyways the
question was, do we tell mom that she ruined the
desert? The answer was simple, YES! ABSOLUTELY!
there's millions and millions of unfunny people
roaming the world thinking they're funny and they
need to be told the TRUTH! Half of them write
for "Everybody Loves Raymond". This
person, who ever he or she is will be glad that
you helped him or her from future embarrassing
unfunny situations, in fact they will most likely
be so happy that you told them the truth that
they may even buy you a present.
Hopefully this helps,
Joel
Dear Joel,
I'm writing this letter to you with sweat pouring
down my forehead as I sit hunched in front of
my rickety old fan doing anything I can to keep
cool today. All winter long I complain of the
rain and the cold. Then I complain that the days
are too short and the nights are too long. I curse
every time I step in a giant rain puddle or have
to shovel snow off my car. The only thing that
gets me thru the long Vancouver winters is the
hope that one day it will be nice and sunny. I
spend 11 months of the year dreaming and drueling
of July. Oh how I love the sight of English Bay
on a sunny hot day, the taste of cold ice cream
or a nice beverage on a patio. Now you may wonder
why I'm writing to you on one of the hottest days
of the year, well...It's simply too hot!!! I find
it hard to sleep or work, my car doesn't have
AC and I'm irritable and sweaty. Why can't the
weather ever be perfect? It's either too rainy
or too hot!
Signed,
Drenched in Sweat
Dear Drenched in Sweat,
You
remind me of one of those people that watches
a movie like E.T. and when it gets to the part
that ET fly's away with Elliot on the bike you
remark, " As if. " My guess is when
the Canucks win 5-1, you're upset that Luongo
didn't get a shutout. You seem to have deep seeded
issues with happiness. There's a few things in
life we have no control over, like taxes or death
or even how managers pick their store stars, we
simply have to accept that which we can not change
and move on. Did you know it takes 10,000 muscles
on our face to form a smile? And only 1 finger
to tell the world to take a hike! You have a choice,
form a smile or tell the world to take a hike.
Try doing what I do; live life all year round
like it's that perfect summer day. Yes that means
some cold and awkward moments at wreck beach in
November and some days on the ski hill in June
that don't go so well, but most of the time I'm
so caught up in my own self -awareness that I
rarely notice other people anyway. If none of
my advice helps move to Toronto, my guess is you
will be so happy when you return to Vancouver
that you will never complain again.
Hopefully this helps,
Joel
Dear Joel,
I recently went through a traumatic situation
and I'm very confused and upset. I witnessed the
birth of my first son the other night and that
part was great, the traumatic part was watching
my wife go through labour. I'm not sure if you
know this but labour takes quite a few hours and
causes a LOT of pain in the woman. I felt that
as a man, there was not a lot I could do except
shout the occasional encouragement and to tell
her eveything was A-OK. The disturbing part is,
as a MAN I feel bad for feeling very happy that
I'm not a woman. I do feel very bad for my wife
but I feel very happy that it wasn't me going
through all that pain. Am I a horrible human being
for feeling somewhat relieved that I missed all
the bad stuff?
Signed,
Under Slept and Over Relieved
Dear Under Slept and Over Relieved,
To
answer your question of should you feel bad for
feeling relieved that you didn't have to go through
labour, Yes you should feel bad. Your poor wife
went to hell and back to bring your child into
this world and you should feel grateful for years
and years!!!! Don't feel bad that you're a man
and you don't have to go through labour, you can
still pass a kidney stone or have a prostate exam,
there's plenty of painful and intrusive things
that you will go through as well. On the plus
side, you get to teach your son how to pee standing
up, how to dig down deep and burp really loud,
you can give him his first beer and teach him
how to pick up girls. I'm not sure why woman have
babies and men drink beer and watch sports.. but
thats the way it works. My suggestion is to buy
your wife something pretty, buy your friends some
cigars and THANK GOD YOU'RE A MAN!
Hopefully this helps,
Joel
Dear Joel,
Lately I'm finding myself in a bit of a dilemma.
I'm trying my best to write a successful advice
column but lately it's been hard to even read
all the letters, let alone give good, insightful
advice. I'm finding myself less interested in
helping others and more interested in boosting
my own career. Every week the great people of
Apex dump all their problems on me and expect
real, thoughtful advice. Little do they know,
I rarely read the letters let alone answer them.
I've hired a team of 9- year olds to handle the
responses. I found that child labour was a much
cheaper way to go than actually hiring other professionals.
So lately people are pouring out their guts and
I'm passing it off to children. This may sound
worse than it is, kids actually come up with some
good advice. How do I get back to the Good Ole
Days of actually caring about the problem and
trying to actually help people?
Signed,
Dear Joel
Dear Joel,
I
know exactly how you feel.
You must remember a time that you enjoyed the
thrill of the advice! When a new letter came in
and you opened it right away because you were
so excited to give advice and hear about people
that were less fortunate than you. Remember how
great it felt to laugh at all the poor slobs and
all their petty problems? You have the ability
to help people in an inspirational way. I want
you to go the mirror and use the same advice you've
given to others, repeat out loud,
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough
and gosh darn it people love my advice."
If you still don't feel like writing advice,
do it the Gerry Leiper way and just send out group
voice mails.
Hopefully this helps,
Joel
Dear Joel,
I have been reading your advice for a long time
now, and have finally decided to write to you
as it seems that you may be the only person able
to commiserate and possibly help with my problem.
I recently started noticing some odd goings-on
at my work place. I guess it started a few months
ago when my manager was dancing around with his
shirt off at a company function (he called it
"flexing" but I know dancing when I
darn well see it!) At first I didn't worry too
much about it, but then I started to notice other
things about my co-workers that has caused me
some concern, so I was wondering if you could
tell me if some of these things are normal and
am I just over-reacting?
#1 - One of the guys here has taken to calling
me LLoyd even though I'm female. (I'm hoping this
isn't some regressive behavior due to some childhood
trauma, possibly being beat up by a brother or
something?)
#2 - Another guy seems to exist solely in the
belief that he recognizes everyone he sees from
Lacrosse. (ie: "I know him! I coached his
brother's uncles' sister's neighbour's fourth
cousin removed in Lacrosse!")
#3 - Yet another seems to be getting alot of calls
from the RCMP on regular basis, and although he
claims to be going on "Vacation" soon,
I'm starting to think he might be skipping parole
by leaving the country.
#4 - One of my co-workers is constantly wearing
a trench coat, even in the office! (this might
not seem strange by itself, but I'm pretty sure
I heard an old lady scream "MASHER!!"
the last time he went out for a cigarette)
And today, when I came in after my lunch , I'm
sure I heard my manager and them all talking and
using some strange cult language, with words like
"ESP" and "Wassup Brah?" and
something that sounded like "izzle"
in the middle of almost every second word.
Is it time to run screaming for the hills or what?
Yours,
Hiding Under My Desk with my Treo
Dear Hiding Under My desk on my Treo (Lloyd),
The
" Dear Joel " staff would like to apologize
for taking so long to respond, the fact of the
matter is we got pretty drunk at our office Christmas
party and never fully recovered. My first bit
of advice for you is, if hear someone say. "
eat this worm! " say no! You never make that
mistake twice.
Your problem seems to focus on 1 person, YOU!
You seem to focus on how these co-workers affect
you, when in fact they seem to be doing their
own thing and you seem to be judging them, or
as we say in the advice business, you're "
playing the shame game." I think we all know
that men and women are from different planets,
some are from Mars and some are from Walnut Grove...
but we're all people.You need to ask yourself
the following question and answer honestly.. In
a world of 1s and 0s...are you a zero, or The
One? Perhaps that quote from the 1999 Classic
film The Matrix will help in this situation or
maybe that confuses things a little more, it’s
hard to tell in the state I’m in. I say
enjoy them for all their oddities and quirks,
one day you may not be here anymore and you will
miss all those demented little circus monkeys
that are your co-workers, so Relax Brah, just
talk some Lacrosse for shizzle!
Of course if all my advice fails you could always
handle this the way women have handled men for
years and years, Pretend to like them, get them
interested, marry them, tell them they don't pay
any attention to your feelings anymore, take them
to counselling, Divorce them for all their money
and kids!!!!!!
Hopefully this helps...
Joel
Dear Joel,
Great news! I have a great situation that is going
to make me a lot of money! However, I just need
some advice on how to handle the transaction.......
We had a customer call up today, who asked to
speak to me personally. This is significant, as
he made a pretty nice order, and I will not have
to share any of the commissions with reps......Bottom
line baby! Bottom line! Now the area I need help
with, is not in the ordering of the product, as
I have already done that and I've got 1500 Lip
Talkers on there way, my need is in the actual
payment receipt. The customer has given me a personal
cheque in the name of "Bason Fears."
Again, I'm not afraid of taking a personal cheque,
it's just that the HSBC account that we use is
not accepting cheques from the Bank of Instanbul.
Do you have any advice on an alternative way of
cashing this cheque?
Signed,
Lay-m Jundgren
ps: Good news! They also took the $89.99 ESP on
all 1500!! Thanks for the scripting tips on that
one Shawn.....they almost said no.
Dear Lay-M Jundgren,
I'm
glad to finally hear some good, positive news
from the people of Apex! I'm constantly bombarded
with emails from the V.P. with complaints of insecurity
and from everyone else on topics ranging from
other managers picking on them to sales reps complaining
that others may be scooping their precious little
sales. This email reminds me of something my great-great
third uncle once overheard at a dinner party,
"Let them come, there is one Dwarf in Moria
who still draws Blood" actually come to think
of it, that was from the Lord of the Rings and
has nothing to do with your problem. Many, many
moons ago I once travelled to the great land of
Turkey and spent many nights in Istanbul, however
it will always be Constantinople to me. It's a
beautiful country filled with many unique customs,
like bathing with other men in baths of different
temperatures. One of the great things about this
Land was their big and bountiful black market.
They once cashed an I.O.U that I had written on
the back of a Turkish delight. I say go to Turkey
and cash your cheque. After closing an incredible
deal like that, you deserve a holiday as well.
Don't let anyone tell you any different. I say,
deals that sound too be good to be true are probably
better than true! Since you are obviously a great
salesperson I have a lead from a woman that's
looking for 7 TCL cameras and 4 Nokia's for a
Christmas party that I'd like you to close!!
Hopefully that helps...
Joel
Dear Joel,
I am having a difficult time managing my email
lately. I received over 100 spam email over the
weekend. Is this normal in a corporate setting?
My concern is that I am having a hard time distinguishing
between all the spam and potential client email.
Can you offer any suggestions?
Many thanks,
Drowning in Spam
Michelle D.
Dear Drowning in Spam,
I
hear your concerns. I too have been getting a
lot of unsolicited emails lately. On the plus
side, I've found new ways to increase my stamina,
lengthen certain appendages, cut down my mortgage
rate and lose weight with a magic pill. To solve
this problem you must get to the root of the problem,
what is spam? besides of course a delicious canned
meat....mmmmmmmm canned meat. Over the years,
certain Apex employees have surfed onto sites
that are..well... the kind of sites you wouldn't
want your mom to know about. When these reps signed
up to receive something "free" it wrecked
it for the rest of us. As long as "certain"
reps are still at Walnut Grove, the rest of us
will continue to get unwanted emails simply because
we share @teamapex.net. My advice is simple, enjoy
the spam, look forward to the spam, treat the
spam like a member of your family. Have the spam
over for Sunday dinner or take the spam out to
a movie. The closer you get to the spam, the less
you will see it as a problem and the more you
will come to accept it and perhaps even look forward
to it.
Hopefully that helps...
Joel
Dear Joel,
We all like to think of Apex as a team, but let's
face it. This is sales. We're all in competition
with one another, and it's dog eat dog sometimes.
You know what? I just can't take it anymore.
I mean, how can I compete with some of these people?
We even have one rep in the company that directly
prospects Air Cards. Yes ... AIR CARDS. He can
apparently make prospecting and follow-up calls
directly to Air Cards.
Take a look at the followup on 604-555-4955,
and then look that number up in Apollo. With amazing
skills like that, he's going to single handedly
corner the data market. What's left for the rest
of us who have to actually talk to the people
who use the Air Cards? By the time we actually
get ahold of the user, get an appointment booked,
and so on... this superstar has already spoken
directly to the Air Card!!!
Joel, what can people like me do to compete?
I want to sell data too. I want a plaque. I want
that extra $50 on message centre. But there's
not going to be anything left. It's just "wild"
what's going on here.
Signed,
Sean P
Dear Sean,
Do
you remember those novels that had several possible
outcomes? If you wanted a certain ending then
you would turn to a certain page and that way
the novel was different every time you read it.
Those books have nothing to do with this, I just
thought they were cool. You bring up some very
good points and some very bad points. Obviously
this rep is trying to "beat the system"
however sometimes the road less traveled is less
traveled for a reason. Perhaps this rep has figured
a way of turning his voice into a printout on
the computer through the customers EVDO connection
or perhaps the rep is simply lazy and never actually
made the call...we will never know.
Perhaps some stats will help you Sean, did you
know that 47% of all stats are made up? In fact,
only 23% of all people believe in the stats they
hear and of that percentage only 12% believe that
they're correct. So as you can see, stats are
confusing. My advice is this, go to your local
record store and purchase the 1980 release of
Billy Joel's Glass Houses. The cover illustrates
a younger, cooler Billy threatening to throw a
rock through a glass house, perhaps this is portraying
that people that live in glass houses shouldn't
throw stones.. now be honest Sean, isn't there
a part of you that's trying to come up with shortcuts
in sales? If this advice doesn't help, at least
you'll have the original version of " It's
still rock and roll to me."
Hopefully that helps...
Joel
|
We Are Apex 
