TOP SEVEN SIGNS YOUR BUSINESS DIALING MAY NOT SUCCEED:

7. You get nervous when speaking to the MacDonald’s drive through window attendant.

6. On your birth certificate your legal name is “Hunter”, but everyone at the office just calls you “Prey”.

5. Swiftly dismissed from your last job as a Wal-Mart Greeter because you couldn’t remember your script.

4. The only calling list you’ve secured is for Vancouver area escort agencies.

3. Disappointingly, unable to land a single appointment from the sixteen calls you made to the BC locations of TAC Mobility.

2. The only reason you signed up for the Steve Corcoran training was because you mistakenly thought he was the kick-ass lead singer for Red Rider.

1. You think prospecting is something only Gerry does after five or six drinks at a nightclub.

TOP 5 GORD NIMCHUK REPLIES TO MICHELINE’S QUESTION, “WILL YOU BE MINE?”

5. “YA KNOW, FOR A CASE OF BEER, I CAN OVERLOOK A LOT OF THINGS”

4. “LAST TIME I ANSWERED A QUESTION LIKE THIS ON THE WEB, MY NAUGHTY SPAM E-MAIL WENT NUTS”

3. “SHALL I COMPARE THEE TO A SUMMER’S DAY? ‘CAUSE YOU’RE HOT LIKE ONE!”

2. “WITH ALL THIS SNOW ON THE ROAD, IF WE GO OUT, CAN WE GET JIM COOKE’S WIFE TO DRIVE US?”

1. “I WILL IF YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT ALL OF THIS DAMN PAPER IN MY OFFICE”

Top 5 Things John Wang has Never Heard, but Secretly Wishes He Will


5. “Eventually John, my goal is to have 500 employees, so you might as well upgrade the network now.”

4. “With that haircut, from behind you look just like Jet Li.”

3. “You know your knock-knock joke at the monthly meeting; I think it would be much better if you didn’t have that boat anchor Rath dragging you down.”

2. “I understand you clearly.”

1. “Honey, do you think you could try paddling me with the keyboard tonight?”

TOP 5 THINGS NOT TO WRITE IN A VALENTINES CARD

5. Baby, you say our love is beautiful,
That it will never be eroded,
But I only slept with you
Because I was loaded.

4. You say that Man is Grade A Beef
A medium rare grilled flank
How is a guy like me to compete
With the luscious Kevin Cruikshank?

3. I long to touch you, to hold you
Oh how to feel your embrace,
But Baby I think I’ll hurl
If the bag falls off of your face.

2. My Darling, My lover, My Beautiful wife
Marrying you
Really screwed up my life.

1. You say that you are turned off Men
Since your last guy, Dan Perrett
But Baby my unit is a Cadillac
Compared to his tiny Chevette

TOP FIVE SIGNS IT’S TIME TO PULL THE PLUG ON YOUR TOP FIVE LIST:

5. THE MENTAL IMAGE OF DAN RATH IN A LEATHER THONG IS MORE APPEALING THAN YOUR LATEST EFFORT.

4. YOUR OWN FOOT KICKS YOU IN THE GROIN WHEN YOUR BRAIN STARTS TO THINK ABOUT WRITING YOUR NEXT LIST.

3. COMPARED TO YOUR LIST, DAN PERRETT LOOKS FUNNY.

2. AFTER HEARING YOUR LIST, MARK TEGART LAUNCHES A TIRADE OF F-BOMBS AT YOU BECAUSE IT WAS TWO MINUTES OF HIS LIFE THAT HE WILL NEVER GET BACK.

1. JIM FRANKLIN GETS PHYSICALLY ILL AT THE THOUGHT OF HAVING TO HEAR ANOTHER LIST AND HE HASN’T WORKED HERE IN ALMOST FIVE YEARS.

Top 5 Reasons Edmund is Missing the Monthly Meeting

5. Too embarrassed to show up with his black eye and fat lip after getting rolled in his nerdy Chartered Accountant costume on Halloween by a gang of 7 year olds.

4. First there was Andrew and Scott providing water for the needy. Then there was Tyler helping to rebuild homes damaged by Katrina. I decided to stay behind in Hawaii to help the victims of the Hawaiian earthquake by scouring the beaches, helping ladies in need of clothing.

3. He asked Annick if he could go and she said “no.”

2. I finally got acclimatized to the 40-degree weather with 90% humidity in Hawaii, then after coming home to the cold, and trying to get ready for the monthly meeting, I ruined every one of my dress shirts by piercing them with my nipples.

1. Always thinking of ways to save, Edmund is ruthlessly foraging in Hawaii for macadamia nuts that were shaken to the ground during the earthquake to give away as Christmas gifts.

Top 5 Reasons Shanon’s Leaving for Europe…

5. Even though the judges at Canadian Idol didn’t care for her act, Shanon just knows she can kick some European Backside at the “Romanian Idol” tryouts.

4. She has a crazy sweet tooth for chocolate and she heard about the "funny" brownies at the Bull Dog Cafe in Amsterdam.

3. Injury inflicted by Edmund's daily body checks into the filing cabinets for the last year can only be repaired by a Portugese Clavical specialist.

2. Needs to find a place where she won't feel self conscience about her decision to let her body hair grow naturally.

1. Fed up with the conservative North American laws on topless sunbathing and can't wait to get to Greece to get rid of her tan lines.

Top 5 Things Overheard on the Apex trip to Apex Alpine

5. “I wouldn’t worry about that, Mike Jackson, Seinfeld educated most ladies about the reality of “shrinkage”.”

4. “Well, they say everyone needs a passion in life and for Jay, passion is spelled b-i-n-g-o.”

3. “No, he didn’t wet himself, “Peggy Flemming” Perrett just used his dress to dry his tears after learning he and Symes didn’t capture the pairs figure skating gold”

2. “It’s not Cruikshank’s fault he touched the curling rock while sweeping, it’s a fact that men aren’t as competent with a broom as women”

1. “Hey Munslow I don’t care how fast you can snowboard, I’ve got $100 that says you can’t knock down that tree over there”

“I hear that he is so dedicated to order that Jay ripped up his marriage certificate during his wedding ceremony when his wife prematurely said, “I do””.

TOP 5 THINGS EDMUND AND I DID OVER THE HOLIDAYS

5. MADE A MASSIVE BATCH OF FIGGY PUDDING AND HURLED IT AT INNOCENT CAROLERS THAT CAME TO THE DOOR.

4. PONDERED, DISCUSSED, BRAINSTORMED AND DOCUMENTED ALL OF THE NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS THAT WE FELT OUR WIVES SHOULD MAKE AND KEEP. THEN WE PONDERED, DISCUSSED, BRAINSTORMED AND DOCUMENTED ALL OF THE NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS THAT WE WILL PROBABLY BREAK BY THE END OF JANUARY

3. WENT DOOR-TO-DOOR ASKING PEOPLE IF WE COULD CHIP THEIR ARTIFICAL TREE.

2. DAILY COSTCO RUNS TO COLLECT FREE TASTERS AND SAMPLES TO SERVE TO UNSUSPECTING CHRISTMAS GUESTS

1. EFFICIENTLY GOT CHRISTMAS DINNER OVER IN ABOUT 2.3 MINUTES WITH THE CREATION OF THE TIME SAVING, YET INTRIGINGLY DELICIOUS, EGGNOG-TURKEY-GRAVY SMOOTHIE.

TOP 5 THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE GIRL’S TABLE AT THE APEX CHRISTMAS PARTY

5. “YOU KNOW, I ALMOST BOUGHT THE EXACT SAME DRESS YOU’RE WEARING UNTIL I NOTICED I COULD SEE MY GOODS THROUGH IT WHEN I TRIED IT ON.”

4. “UUGGHH, TURKEY ISN’T SITTING WELL – HEY CEDAR . . . DO A GIRLFRIEND A FAVOUR . . . PULL MY FINGER?”

3. “WOOOOAHH, IS THAT CEDAR’S TWIN OR IS DAN RATH WEARING A FEATHER BOA?”

2. “MICHELLE . . .? MICHELLE?! UH OH, I HOPE TYRONE DIDN’T ACCIDENTLY SWALLOW HER!”

1. “NOW, JAY AND CHAD ARE MARRIED, BUT NOT TO EACH OTHER, RIGHT?”

TOP 5 CHALLANGES WE WANT JAMES TO ATTEMPT NOW THAT THE IRONMAN IS COMPLETE

5. GET IT THROUGH DOUG’S WIFE’S HEAD THAT JUST BECAUSE HUMP DAY OCCURS ONCE A WEEK, IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT “IT” ONLY HAS TO HAPPEN ONCE A WEEK.

4. NOT SAYING HE COULDN’T COMPLETE ONE, BUT LET’S JUST GET DAN RATH TO SPELL THE WORD “IRONMAN” FIRST.

3. LAUNCH A SEARCH AND RESCUE MISSION FOR ANY MISSING PEOPLE THAT MIGHT BE TRAPPED UNDER THE MOUNDS OF PAPER ON GORD’S DESK

2. SURE, HE CAN FINISH AN IRONMAN, BUT CAN HE GET EDMUND TO ANSWER WHAT 2 PLUS 2 IS WITHOUT HAVING TO DOUBLE ADD IT ON HIS SOLAR POWERED ADDING MACHINE?

1. ASK DAN PERRETT A QUESTION AND GET A BRIEF, TO THE POINT, ON TOPIC RESPONSE.

TOP 5 OTHER THINGS ANDREW, DAN, AND JOHN WILL DO ON THEIR TRIP TO CHINA

5. Ever heard of a Wang Sandwich?

4. At long last, John’s dream to be catapulted over the Great Wall of China by two tall white men will finally be fulfilled.

3. With Dan and Andrew’s help, John will finally get his revenge on little Herman Chiu, the grade 3 bully that gave him one too many atomic wedgies.

2. Not to spread any rumors, but John has some bills to pay and Caucasian nude male models get paid by the foot in China.

1. Andrew has always wanted to take part in a traditional Chinese Dragon Dance – Andrew is tall enough to carry the head, John can handle the mid-section and fittingly enough, Perrett will be the ass.